The Ikea Rule
by NomDuClavier
Summary: “Kids, I was used to seeing all sorts of things walking into McLaren's and making my way towards our booth, what I saw that night certainly wasn't one of them. Your Uncle Barney browsing an Ikea catalog.” Robin/Barney; one-shot.


**The Ikea Rule**

**a How I Met Your Mother one-shot  
**

HIMYM is not mine. It's a shame, but we can't always have what we want.

Takes place sometime after "The Naked Man"

* * *

"_Kids, I was used to seeing all sorts of things walking into McLaren's and making my way towards our booth, what I saw that night certainly wasn't one of them. Your Uncle Barney browsing an Ikea catalog."_

Ted did a double-take as he neared their booth; sat in her usual spot was Robin, next to her was Barney. Okay so they had made up and were bros again, there was still that feeling of unease when he saw the two of them together like that in an almost coupley way. To top it off they were browsing an Ikea catalog together.

He stood there, temporarily gob-smacked, jealousy surfacing to ready itself and run rampant at the thought they were looking to decorate a place together. Shaking his head he convinced himself that couldn't be reason for this surreal display.

First of all they hadn't admitted to their friends they were dating – even though Lily, Marshall and he had a bet going they secretly were; Lily picked the 25th of December as the date they'd come clean, Ted had a feeling she'd make sure Robin and Barney were strategically located under a sprig of mistletoe at an opportune moment as a catalyst.

Secondly the notion of Barney owning more than one pillow was anathema, it defied his cool, ran counter to his carefully devised rules building and guarding his legendary awesomeness. Little did Ted know, but Barney was about to drop another gem of a rule.

"Ikea, Barney? Don't tell me you and Robin have decided to take your secret relationship public in a legen – wait for it – dary display of awesomeness by going straight from stealth to moving in together?" As far as greetings went this one was equally unusual, the situation demanded it. Carefully schooling his features to neutral he waited for their response.

Robin did an admirable display of deer-caught-in-headlights for a moment before letting out an impressive string of "No"'s, followed by a "We're not moving in together, Ted."

Barney for his part kept his cool, both figuratively and literally and held up a hand. "Please!" he scoffed. "Ikea is so not cool. How can you possibly think that if we were to move in together as per your hypothesis, Ikea would be part of the equation somehow? If Scherbatsky and I ever were to do Marshmellow-Lillypad thing, unlikely as it is given the awesome that is the both of us, then I assure you Ikea will have nothing to do with it. Ikea as it were, would be a hypothetical deal breaker."

"Speaking of them, where are Marshall and Lily?" Robin asked, having recovered somewhat from Ted's question. How had Ted figured out they were secretly dating? She suspected he was just fishing, so she tried to make clear she had no feelings towards Barney -- hypothetical or otherwise. "Swarley," she added, poking a thumb towards her lover, "was just espousing the virtues of The Ikea Rule to me; you're actually just in time for class."

"Swarley?!" Barney piped up. "It's a good thing we're not a couple, or you're _so_ not getting any tonight." Although that would mean cutting himself off as well, dammit.

The both of them had been strangely and awesomely monogamous for a while now, to the point where Barney had hired a company of Thespians to supply decoy dates for the two of them. Robin had thought it weird at first, but it allowed them the pretense of hooking up with a one night stand at McLaren's without actually getting some strange on. It all made perfect sense if you were either Barney or Robin, True Story.

Bringing his train of thought away from their legendary secret relationship and back to the table, the Barnacle looked to Ted. "Right, how come Marshall and Lily haven't suited up and met us here?"

The question brought Ted's train of thought back as well, his mind had been playing out all sorts of weird scenarios Barney could've been part of that could warrant something called The Ikea Rule. "Lily had PTA meetings all day, Marshall went with – being in full nesting mode ever since 'The Sock', after all; I think that means they're probably using code words right now."

Barney waved away the explanation. "Say no more, for you are about to witness the awesome that is The Ikea Rule. Right after this break." And up and off he went to the bathroom.

Robin's gaze followed him for a moment before she caught herself checking out Barney's posterior in Ted's presence. "Don't ask," She told him, "I was as surprised as you were when he brought the catalog."

Ted waved to Wendy, ordered the three of them drinks and turned back to face Robin. Trying to catch her off-guard before Barney returned, he asked. "So, you and Barney, eh?" Neither of them had actually denied what Ted suspected in so many words.

"Me and Scherbatsky, what, Mosby? I went ahead and memorized the Bro Code after last time, you know." Barney reseated himself next to Robin, feeling a bit uncomfortable with Ted's inquiry, and this preemptive denial just now only hurt the cause. "She's my wing-woman. After I explain the Ikea Rule to the both of you, we're going to play 'Have you met Barney?' with..." he scanned the bar and settled on tonight's Thespian, "that redhead over there, I think."

Robin followed his line of sight and turned to Barney, recognizing the decoy and grinning. "Carrot-top five!"

Ted suspected a lot of things about Barney, but hiring actors to stand in as possible conquests to deflect suspicion from a romance with Robin wasn't one of them. '_So either they have an open relationship, or we were wrong.'_ he thought to himself. "As you were saying... Ikea Rule?"

Barney was instantly all business again, radiating cool. "You remember the Hot-Crazy line, of course. It was then I almost had an almost Devil's threesome by mistake, following that I devised the awesome that is the Ikea Rule. True Story."

"An almost Devil's threesome... you didn't know the other guy was there? Do I even want to know?" Ted asked, shaking his head.

"Please!" Barney exclaimed. "No way when I hook up with a bimbo does she feel the need for another guy to be there."

Robin was as puzzled as Ted. However, if anyone could have a tricycle with just two people present, it would have to be Barney. She said as much. "A tricycle with two people would be, well... legendary."

Barney laughed. "Yes, it would be, maybe I can patent it. Back to the matter at hand, however. What would happen if you had a hot girl straddle you on a chair, only to find out later said piece of furniture is called Sven. I tell you, if you aren't as awesome as I am, it would cause at least a few weeks of limp-noodlage. To save men all around the world with less cool, I give you The Ikea Rule, which is simply this: 'Memorize the Ikea catalog and stay away from the Svens and Björns of the world that is decoration.'"

Ted could only stare at him as if he'd grown two heads. Barney for his part grabbed Robin's hand and towed her to the bar. "Class dismissed, there's redhead to be had."

* * *

Author's note: Feel free to let me know what you think. I hope for my first HIMYM fic (true story), the characterizations aren't too horrible.


End file.
